The Gap - The Christmas Stockings

There Rylan stood! Tall and a bit gawky –fourteen and in that in-between stage. Kind of like my life. Kind of like my Christmas Stockings.

The Christmas stockings have hung for more than twenty years. As Christmas approached, if I could add a new stocking that year, I was downright giddy! As soon as I was sure of the name, I ordered a personalized needlepoint stocking. I couldn’t wait to add it to the mantle! Each year the stockings primed my gratitude pump – I was so very grateful! But in 2020, the stockings carried with them bittersweet reminder.

I never dreamed that I would hang eleven stockings on my mantle! I usually hung the stockings all in a row. They fit snugly across my mantle, a memorial to the blessings of God on my life. They make me happy. I took a photo of the stockings hung on my mantle every year.

This year Jennifer gave me an arrangement of Christmas greenery. It was so tall that it forced a divide of the stockings. I chose to divide with the first five older children on the left and the younger six – the ones I call “the second wave”- on the right. I thought of that divide every day the stockings hung. It illustrated the shifting of seasons I had noticed all year. Honestly it made me sad. We had a four year lull between Hayden’s birth and Rylan’s. Infertility made us wonder if five would be the final number. What a blessing to have a second wave of little ones! No one can accuse me of not being grateful or of not knowing how blessed I am!

When Rylan visited, I was stunned at how tall he had grown. I could see my days as a hands-on and “useful” grandmother are numbered. I have loved being useful! Parents have needed babysitters and children need love and attention. Being involved has made my years happy!

The gap reminded me that the first five grandchildren are out of the nest. The last launched in January. It seems Hayden’s “flight” looms larger than the others, or maybe it’s just because he’s the one in the spotlight now or because the year has been lonely. And I have to say, he’s the one who gives the tightest hugs! Covid derailed attending his high school graduation. I love the ceremonies.  They are markers that help me process, adjust. He’s only eighteen, and he joined the Marines. I know Marines go far away. He won’t always be in Colorado when we visit. Covid may prevent us from attending his boot camp graduation – a milestone that is important to him and to us.

Empty nest was more than just a cliche for me. I felt it deeply when my children left the nest. I prepared for it for years. I read and reread a book about letting go.  I questioned moms who had already gone through empty nest. I tried to “practice” by gradually giving each of my children more freedom as they handled each new privilege. I had watched mothers hold on too hard and mother-in-laws cause resentment by refusing to let go of their child. I was bound and determined not to lose my kids by refusing to let go! Each graduation and wedding were rites of passage – not just for them but for me! We treasured the joy with pride and then moved on. I have written a book of scripture and prayers for each grandchild’s graduation. All year as I gathered and wrote, I prayed especially hard for that child. This was Hayden’s year! He’s been in the forefront of my mind and my prayers.

Hayden leaving heralds things to come. Grandchildren will grow up and not need us as much. It’s their due season to become independent. They will not have as much time for us.

So there Rylan stood! But as he stands in the divide – (I must say that he gives some great hugs too!) as a young teen, he foreshadows the time when the second wave will leave us behind.

The “gap” was a reminder, as if 2020 needed a reminder, that our day is waning. We will see our children say goodbye and experience empty nest. They are healthier and stronger and will handle it better than I did. I hope I can attribute that in part to the security and love we gave them. I loved being a mother! The last one leaving signaled an end of a role and a purpose I adored. I love being a grandmother! I am more blessed than any grandmother I know! How grateful I am! But, it’s still hard to let go!

At my age, yes, I am honored to still be useful. To get to spend time with them and care for them. I’ve wondered which graduations I will live to attend. Yet, I am still stunned when I see the oldest of the second group towering between the stockings!

I am not as “elderly” as 2020 said I was! My life is not as diminished as the isolation and pandemic guidelines made me feel.

Rylan towering between the divide reminded me that my influence in his life will wane. Though Hayden is a man and will be a Marine, I believe my prayers for him matter. The good news is, though hugs may come less often, I can be sure they will be the best! And they will be coming from a young man of whom I can be so proud. My heart overflows. The older five and the younger six together fill my heart! There’s no gap there!